this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
