You don't have asthma, your pregnant
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
did you just send me my own nude
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
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