Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
