we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
