The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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