Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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