They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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