Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
