I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
