ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
