it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I skipped work to stalk him.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
