Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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