we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
