Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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