i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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