And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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