anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
