his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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