it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
it's great music for shaving your balls
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
