I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
