I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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