we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
