From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
