Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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