ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
