She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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