Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
