he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
