Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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