My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Terrible idea I love it
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
