she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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