oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
