I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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