even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
