thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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