I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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