Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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