went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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