Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
