Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
