Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
