my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
