she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
