I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
