just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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