you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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