I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
