I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
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