if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
