Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
