I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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