erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Randomize
