My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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