Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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