totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
my being single is dangerous.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
