my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I think my moral compass just broke
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize