I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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