Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
