Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
