I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I wish there were birth control emojis
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
