I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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