My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
