One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
