i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
